I was back in NJ, doing software consulting for my old boss, and visiting many of my old clients, who welcomed me back and were very happy to see me. I found a place to rent in Lodi, NJ which is only about 20 minutes outside of New York City, but regardless of whether I drove, took the bus or train, it still took me at least an hour and a half to get to my clients, due to rush hour traffic. I was back in the daily grind of the "commute-work-commute-sleep" routine that I hated so much. It left very little time for relaxation or any true enjoyment or balance in life. I at least had it better than most. I usually waited for the tail end of rush hour and would get to my clients around 9 or 10am, and then I would leave whenever I was done. Sometimes I was lucky and would get to leave by 3pm and get home at a decent hour. Often, if I finished my work with a client at 5pm, I would go eat at a restaurant and do some shopping in the city before heading home. That at least would give me some time to relax and enjoy the time, then my commute back would be shorter with less traffic.
Ultimately, what was happening is that I was remembering why I left New Jersey in the first place. If I could have found a good job in Ocean County that would pay enough so I could afford a house there and have the "rural" lifestyle I grew up with, I think I would enjoy New Jersey. However, any jobs that paid real money were all up in Northern NJ or NYC and that required either horrendously long commutes from my hometown area, or living in Northern NJ, which is not something I really enjoyed. I was also getting overwhelmed with clients again. There are not enough people in this country that do the software consulting I do, and we are always in demand. I reached a point, where I would only schedule people on Mon, Wed, Fri, so that I would have a couple days during the week open for emergencies. I was booked out 6 weeks in advance and my Tues and Thurs ALWAYS got taken. It was a hectic schedule in a busy city, and after living in the west, it wasn't something I enjoyed anymore. I had this fantasy of riding to the Grand Canyon on a Harley Davidson motorcycle and that certainly wasn't going to come true if I continued this life in NJ.
However, I knew that Keith's time in Tucson with his dad was limited and I would visit him on long weekends. I at least got my "hits" of the west and Keith now and then, and I hoped that Keith's next assignment would be as he was told... the Pentagon in DC. Traveling to see Keith, and having hope that he would one day be about 3 hours away, gave me the energy to push on in NJ. When I visited Keith, we would go hiking in the desert, along with visiting his dad in the hospital (I really liked his dad), or visiting other family members in other parts of Arizona. On one of our expeditions, we hiked up Picacho Peak, which is a very big rock sticking out of the flat desert. There is a point where the climb is so steep there is no way to climb up, so someone, the Parks Service?, installed steel beams with cable joining them. In some cases, the cable is horizontal, and you must jam your foot between the beam and the rock while holding on the cable, then jam your foot between then next beam and rock and take steps that way. The last stretch of the hike has the beams horizontal with the cable, vertical, on each side of you parallel to the rock. You must hold onto the cable on either side of you while walking up the rock, almost straight up. It was a bit of work, but we both managed. The reward was making it to the flat top and getting to admire the view all around us. Below are some pictures from our hikes in the Tucson Desert.
Below are some pics from our hike up Picacho Peak
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| We will end up at the far left peak of the "saddle" shape. Notice the smaller rock outcrop further down the hill... |
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| Our view from the top looking out over that rock outcrop. |
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| Keith at the top of Picacho Peak |
Keith's dad went through the transplant and was doing well for a few months, but at one point, even though he had anti-rejection medications, his body started rejecting his new heart. The doctors did all they could and he fought a good fight, but he eventually lost the fight... I think around August/September. I traveled to Tucson one last time for the funeral and to try to keep Keith occupied for a few days afterwards. He told me some time later how much that meant to him. When I went home after that last visit, I knew Keith wouldn't be in Tucson much longer, as the Air Force really created a place for him there. They would soon transfer him out of Tucson since his dad no longer needed him, and we both were hopeful yet worried about where they would send him next. It wasn't too long before Keith found out and called me to tell me... they were sending him to Japan. My heart sank, but I did my best to stay calm and strong. I told him it would be no problem, I could move to Japan. He then explained the reality to me, that there really was nothing I could do for a living there since I didn't speak Japanese, and since we weren't married I couldn't live on base with him. We really weren't at a point where either of us would feel comfortable making a spur of the moment marriage commitment, so when the reality hit me, my knees collapsed under me and I fell to the floor crying, with the phone still in my hand, Keith still on the other end. He was very patient and understanding and talked with me while I got myself together and calmed down. I really don't remember what we discussed after that or how long we were on the phone, but I don't think it was long. We hung up, and I had some decisions to make.
Since I really wasn't loving being back in NJ, and I couldn't figure out a way to work and live closer to where I grew up so that I "could" love my life there, I decided to put feelers out and see if I could move back west somewhere. I contacted some national headhunters, and waited to see what they would come up with. After a couple weeks, I received word that they had two companies interested in me in the San Francisco Bay area. One was an old client in Santa Clara that was looking for an Assistant Controller, and the other was a newly formed company in San Francisco that was made up of a couple people that had been at an old client, but decided to start their own company. I made arrangements to fly out for interviews and look for a place to live in case one of these opportunities worked out. I was very fortunate that a friend of mine from one of my former clients allowed me to stay in his guest room in his apartment in San Francisco. I interviewed with both companies and received offers from both. I opted for the older, more established company, a well-known homebuilder, and accepted their offer. I also signed a lease on an apartment that was within walking distance to the office so I could walk to work each day.
Keith and I kept in touch as long as we were both still in the US, and I told him I had accepted a job in Santa Clara, CA and would be moving there after Christmas starting work in the beginning of January. He was happy for me, but of course we were both still sad about him leaving for Japan. I spent the next few weeks doing my best to wrap up things with clients and passing on assignments to other consultants. I also got estimates from various moving companies and got them scheduled to come in to move me when I was ready to go. I knew the first thing I had to do when I got to CA was buy a Harley Davidson motorcycle and make plans to ride out to the Grand Canyon, and I told my new boss that this was my plan!! Hahahaha!!
A few weeks before my leave date to go to CA, Keith called me to let me know that some of the high up Generals felt that sending him to Japan was a waste of talent, so they pulled strings and got him moved to the Pentagon in DC. He didn't really sound happy, and didn't ask me to stay in NJ or give me any indication that he wanted to try to salvage anything of our relationship, and I didn't offer. I felt that I had already bared my heart and my feelings enough over our time together, and especially with my reactions when he told me he was moving to Japan. Deep down, I knew that something changed the day I told him I didn't want to have children, no matter how flippant my comment was. Too many things had happened and I felt if he wanted to continue a relationship with me after everything he would let me know and that would open the door to conversations about our views on children, etc. Since he didn't, I wasn't going to stop my plans and stay if his heart wasn't in it. Maybe I should have and maybe he was just in shock after everything and therefore incapable of truly dealing with anything... but I had expressed so much and he had expressed little. I didn't want to be the one always initiating conversations and expressing myself if it wasn't reciprocated.
So, I went on with my plans to move to CA and decided to take the southern route this time. As luck would have it, I was traveling west at the same time Keith was traveling east, so we met for one last time in Memphis, TN. It was a very bittersweet reunion and parting, but it at least allowed for some small amount of closure for both of us. Once I left TN, the trip out west pretty flat and boring. The only point of interest on this trip was once I got close to the Bay Area on I-5, I was trying to figure out a fun way to get from I-5 to 101. I noticed on the map that there was a road called J1 that looked like it cut through the middle of nowhere, so I decided to take that. I got off I-5 at 180, headed towards Panoche and picked up J1. It really was a road through the middle of nowhere. There was nothing for miles and I was really enjoying the drive. I passed a sign that said some kind of hot springs... I think Mercy Hot Springs. I vowed that once I got my next motorcycle I would come back to this road and enjoy it on two wheels...
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